Grief is the most powerful emotion of our life. When it comes to life, it demolishes all the previous setups of our life. Life becomes totally unorganized. Actually, when grief comes, it hacks our life completely. It starts to regulate everything of our life like habits, behaviors, visions, reactions and basic characteristics and so on.
It’s like that; our kingdom of happiness is attacked by the king of grief. The new king changes all the rules of happiness kingdom. We fight a lot against it. Sometimes we win and able to live in the happiness kingdom. But when we lose, we have to stay in the kingdom of grief. Then the king continues his kingdom by torturing us badly and then the painful condition starts. Day by day, we start to adopt the new rules of grief kingdom and represent us as grieving people. In this way, grief locked our life from earthly happiness.
Why are we grieving?
Grief comes from loss, separation, rejection, failure or incomplete dream. When a thing, which we think our part of life, is separated from us, we are grieving for that thing. That’s mean we feel incomplete without that thing. So, we are not grieving for our loss, we are grieving for our incompleteness. The things, which completes you, are the main cause of grieving. If I say more specifically, it is our dependency on some particular things those maybe our habits, maybe our security, maybe our desire, may be our body parts, and maybe our self-esteem and so on. When you think without these we are incomplete, it tears you apart. You can understand it better if I give some examples.
Suppose, somebody has lost his any body part by some disease or accident. Can you imagine the depth of his grief? We all know that how much we are dependent upon our every body part. He has to learn to live his whole life without that part of the body on which he was so much dependent.
The parents, who lost her child, are grieving for their dependency on their child like their body parts and their habits, related to the child.
A boy has a dream or a particular aim. Day by day, he lives with his dream and it becomes his part of life. But, if he fails to fulfill his dream, he feels sad. But this sadness is not for the dream. It’s because he thinks he is incomplete without this dream. So, he grieves.
In the same way, break up of any relationships or death of loved ones bring grief due to the dependency on some habits or some qualities of the separated persons rather than the losing the persons. Loving someone means loving some specific qualities of the person, which one doesn’t have but one wish to have. That’s mean the specific characteristics of someone make him/her complete. Separation means incompleteness. That’s why grief comes.
How to unlock the period of grieving?
Grief has a tremendous power of transformation. It can transform a strong person with a weak one or a weak to a strong (read wise), stronger. It depends on how you use it. If you use it purposefully, it will unlock the closed period of grieving. Finally, you can win your grief
How to use the grief purposefully?
- At first, grief attacks our ego. Ego is the shield of our inner Self. It separated us from our inner self. Grief dissolves your ego. After a huge fighting, when you will start to accept it, you must say like that “I’ m nothing or nothing is in my hand, it seems like that we are a puppet of our life, everything is predestined. I’m the most unfortunate person in the world.” Just think, before your grief you always said like that ” I can do that, I can change that”. This “I” is your ego. Grief breaks the wall of ego into pieces.
- When your ego is dissolved, you might feel that you are alone because you were already habituated to live with your ego. The true journey of grief starts from here as you lose your dependency on your ego. In this phase, the road is divided in two different ways. One is the external and other is internal. When you feel alone, you must try to find someone who will guide you because your life is hacked by the grief. You can not understand yourself even. If you go to the outside for searching for a friend, you cannot win over your grief unless you meet a true guide. Your friend can share your sorrow, can console you, but cannot defeat your grief.
- Only wisdom can defeat the grief. Inner Self is the core of the wisdom. So, to conquer the grief one should take the turn which goes to the inner Self. The light of your wisdom enlightens the darkness of grief. A true guide always encourages other to face their inner self.
- A huge courage is needed to face the inner Self because it reveals the much-naked truth of ourselves by destroying our delusions. When the courage comes in your mind, you can fight against our grief. Generally, when we face our inner Self, the first question comes to our mind is “Why me”. From this stage, the introspections start.
- During this stage, you can see your mistakes (if you have), you can point out your wound, your roles, and actions in the whole incident. This introspection will help you to find the answer to the question, “why me”.
- As much as you ask the questions to your inner Self, you will know yourself. You will be aware of your dependence, habit or incompleteness.
- This is called self-awareness. When you aware of yourself, you will start to work on those by changing your habits, being an independent person and filling the blank of incompleteness.
- Filling the incompleteness means not that the thing or the person you’ve lost will back in your life. It means you have to overcome your dependency on the qualities and characteristics of the particular thing or the person. You can do it by achieving those qualities and characteristics within you.
I know a girl who has lost her father in her teenage life. This death broke down her completely because she was very much dependent on her father. When she discovered that she was dependent on her father’s certain qualities like decision making, guiding, confidence, leadership, she started to achieve those qualities in her life. She did it though it takes a lot of time. After achieving those qualities in her life, she never feels bad for her father because she has won her grief
A boy had lost his one eye in an accident. His grief realized him, what we see by our eyes is not enough for our life. We need the vision to see ourselves. His grief opens his vision of wisdom.
A mother had lost her young child. The trauma broke her down completely. She realized the cause of her trauma is her dependency on the world of her child i.e., the habits of bringing up the child, dream of her child. Her grief discovered that child is not the boy, whom she gave birth. The child is she herself. When she started to bring up her by guiding of her inner Self, she won over her grief.
There is no shortcut way to unlock your grief. It’s long and also a time taking procedure. You have to suffer in grief to know it. Then, you can unlock the grieving period. So, use this suffering period to know yourself. That knowledge helps you to win over it. The great philosopher Rumi said, “Don’t grieve. Anything you lose comes around in another form”. So, try to achieve that ‘another form’. There is always a big tragedy behind all the creations. To create something special, one must have to unlock the period of grieving. Grief breaks you to rebuild you in a stronger form. So, embrace the grief with courage to discover the actual meaning of life.