Superficially, a narcissist and the one who has self-love look almost the same. But, the basic difference between them is that a narcissist does whatever that gratifies his or her ego whereas a one who has self-love does things for their inner piece. People with self-love, know themselves and aware of their limitations or imperfections. Their love based on all over acceptance where they accept themselves with all their imperfections.Thus, they don’t try to hide their flaws by creating a false wall that is called ego. They are free to flow themselves as they are and ready to accept others as they are.
The narcissist one always needs an ego to wrap the things within him or her that he or she never wants to face. They fear to face themselves as they cannot take the imperfections within them. Thus, they need the praises and admirations from outside that satisfy their ego. Their ego is something that they exhibit outside to get those false admirations. It helps them to escape from their own flaws. Even, they so dare to run away from those flaws that they blame others for their wrong doings. They embellish their strengths with some positive appearance (pretending something that they are no actually) to get false importance from others.
These all helps them to nourish their ego, but not to bring the inner contentment. They are basically empty and alone from inside. They exist because of the people, who nourish their ego by saying the words they like. In this way, they build a fantasy world around themselves and scare to get out from that zone. If the illusory world breaks, they just lose their existence as it is all about their ego.
When the ego dissolves the thing left is the love for Self. Now, this love is pure and it is self-love that knows to live with all good and bad. The narcissist one can be the scan be the one who has elf-love when their ego dissolves and find their true Self.
A relationship comes into our life as a first baby of a couple, with lots of joy, hope, and dreams. And it goes like a broken dream of dawn with a pinch of sadness and a faint light of hope with a small question mark. But, how long it stays, it should play a beautiful melody in our lives. That means; when a relationship gives us comfort and shelter in life and makes us cool or cheerful even in the time of huge stress is a melodious relationship. It will play melody only when a harmony is maintained between the two involved in it.
A love affair comes and goes on its own way. One cannot hold it alone by his/ her own efforts. What we can hold is love for the person to whom we were attached. Not even, a hate as well.
So, what can we do to make it beautiful, peaceful and melodious, to maintain harmony in an affair? There are eight things that secretly maintain this harmony. If we know those well, we can consciously control those to make a harmonious union.
8 things that secretly maintained the harmony of a Relationship:
A relationship ends, when the people, involved in it, start to count their giving and taking. We forget that we came into this world with empty hands. We can give only to the extent that we have gained from here. Otherwise, we have nothing to give to anyone. Just see the nature. Harmony is maintained everywhere in nature. Like, a relationship between flora and soil. The plant receives nutrient and water from soil and soil produces those by collecting the raw materials from the decomposed leaves, flower and fruits. In summer, when there is a scarcity of water in nature, a plant can’t grow well and become unable to supply the raw materials to the soil for making the manures. On the other hand, Soil is also dependent on the plant as the plant prevents soil erosion. In this way, a mutual dependency is maintained within each other. One thing I also want to clear that taking and receiving are completely different things. Taking is more related to the opportunity, whereas, receiving relates to acceptance. So, just concentrate on your giving. Your giving is your receiving.
If you truly care for someone, you can understand his/her some unsaid words like some small wishes, some little dreams, likes, and dislikes. When you start to value them, you will be valuable from him/ her. It’s human nature that we always prefer to stay with someone who thinks that we are valuable and important. In short, everyone wants importance. So, as long as, this ‘valuable’ feeling stays between each other, the association grows in a harmonic motion.
Trust is the basic thing of every relationship. Maintaining this is hard, but without this, no relationship can exist. we can maintain it by talking about your worries and doubts, clearly with our partner in a very healthy way. A couple should try to be faithful to each other. Both should becareful about their small liesbecause sometimes a small lie can bring a big heartache.
An urge of solving the problems:
Anger, loose talks, misunderstandings, not understandings, clashing of views, stubbornness, conflicts, blaming each other etc. are common problems in every relationship. Those happen and those are solved by the urge of the couple to solve the problems between them. These are the important parts of maintaining harmony. A melody would be great when it is composed of up and down notes, but it feels boring when it plays in a monotonic motion. The melody of a relationship will stay harmonious as long as there will be an urge of solving these problems and being close to each other again.
Ignorance is the worst punishment of any association. It also acts as a signal of breaking the harmony. You can ignore some of the activities of your partner that you don’t like. But, ignoring the person completely is the sign of ‘breaking’. It says, “your role is over, you may go now”. So, maintaining a respect for each other is very essential.No one can be perfect. But, everybody has some good and bad qualities. we should try to find out the good ones by our impartial views for each other and respect those qualities.
There is no place of ego in a relationship. There is nothing wrong in bowing down to a person you love. Ego acts as a killer of a kinship. Einstein said, “More the knowledge lesser the ego, lesser the knowledge more the ego.” It not only breaks the harmony, it ruins the union, completely, as well. So, keep your ego away from your relationship and maintain the harmony. Where there is love, there is no place for ego.
Support and Empathy:
These two are very much linked with each other. Basically, we are all alone. We always find some support from our relationship. Support means not a blind encouragement. Support means when someone falls, holding him/her tightly. Support means inspiring. Support means giving shelter in a rainy season. Harmony is running after the support. Support comes from empathy for each other.
Either love creates a relationship or a relationship creates love. The association will be melodious when it is bound with love. The word ‘unconditional’ means there is no counting for giving, taking, caring, helping and loving. This ‘unconditional love‘ makes the relationship easier. That’s mean, you cannot think before doing anything for your partner or the other person in the relationship. Even, it makes you feel happy for giving and receiving too.
A relationship is expired when it loses its harmony. If we try to continue the relationship after the expiry date, it will not move. If we look at nature around us. We will see the disasters, hurdles, misdeeds come into nature, again and again, in spite of that, it follows a rhythm to maintain its harmony everywhere. These 8 things are like a rhythm that maintain the natural harmony in every relationship in spite of all the disasters hurdles and misdeeds. So, if we try to follow this rhythm we can maintain the harmony in the relationships.
Jealousy is one of our self-created unpleasant emotions that arise from unhealthy comparisons between two or more people. Emotions mean an energy that comes to your mind to make you feel bad or good. So, if you transform the energy for a good purpose, you can feel well and can live a stress-free life also.
Jealousy is an emotion that restricts you to accept yourself as you are and to accept others as they are. In the prison of jealousy, you will live in an oxygen-less life. Jealousy not only harms you, but also ruins your relationships. Sometimes comparison inspires us. But comparison in a relationship just ruins it.
You can use the energy of jealousy for a better purpose if you can change some of your habits. These are the five habits that I mentioned in the title.
5 Habits that Transform Jealousy into Compassion:
Face the person:
Don’t try to escape from the person to whom you compare with yourself. Face him/her. Talk to him/her in a humble way though you may feel some hesitations in communication. Try to focus on the matter, which makes you feel jealous. It’s not easy. But if you do that, it can protect the relationship from breaking up. Avoiding the person or the matter only increases the risk of break up.
Appreciate the person:
Appreciating the person on his achievement, rather than maintaining the silence of jealousy. It increases your value to him. It maintains the closeness of the relationships. Suppose, you and your friend are preparing for a competitive examination. Your friend cracked it, but you couldn’t. Then a feeling of jealousy create a distance between you and your friend. Don’t let it increase. Go to your friend, appreciate him for his achievement and discuss the matter, how does he achieve that and why didn’t you crack that? It melts the ice of jealousy and creates the ground of compassion.
Praising the person:
You cannot imagine the magic of praising others, especially the persons to whom you feel jealous. I’m not saying about oiling or false praise for a selfish intention. Praise them on the matter that they deserve rather than making the suffocated environment of jealousy within you. Suppose, you are feeling jealous of your girlfriend or to your wife for her certain qualities. Whenever you face her you feel jealous of her. If you are not working on that, it will ruin your relationship. Just praise her from your heart for those qualities. Then watch the magic. You will be more special and more valuable to her. The direction of the wave of your relationship will be changed. Love and empathy will enrich your relationship. You can use praise in any relationship. It increases your value. Since everyone wants praise, but few of us can give it.
Showing interest in learning:
To cope up jealousy, you can also show your interest in learning on the matter of feeling jealous of the person. That means; you respect his /her qualities rather than comparing yourself to him/her. You can learn something from that person which can help you to reach that level or it may help you to know one’s struggle towards his achievements. Suppose, a girl has an average figure and she is not much bother about that. But, when she watches one of her average looking friends makes a slim and sexy figure, she starts to feel jealous of her. She can transform this jealousy to the compassion if she shows some interest in learning by asking her friend like that, “how could you get this awesome figure. Please give me some tips. I’ll also try that.” In this way either she can learn some tips from her friend or she can create a ground of compassion and love between their relationships.
Dissolving your Ego:
Your ego and your true self are completely different things. The true self is shielded by the ego. Happiness belongs to the true-Self. Ego is responsible for our unhappiness and external happiness. There is a saying of Albert Einstein that “More the knowledge, lesser the ego, lesser the knowledge, more the ego.” So, true knowledge can break the wall of ego. When ego dissolves, unhappiness cannot bother you. So, whenever you feel jealous of somebody, try to ignore your ego and accept his/her qualities or achievement in a positive way. Then you can understand comparison is totally baseless. Each person is unique and incomparable. You are just yourself not a dummy of another. Everyone is original. This feeling helps you to get rid of jealousy and other comparisons.
One can use these five habits at a time or any of these to transform jealousy into love and compassion. Jealousy is a very powerful emotion because by this emotion you can see the good qualities of others. But, when you compare those things to yours, you become disappointed and finally it snatches your happiness. So, transform this feeling into compassion and enjoy the happiness and a stress-free life.
The journey of true happiness starts with pain. Even, a baby has to feel pain in the birth canal to come into the world and enjoy the happiness. It’s not that happiness is outside and we have to cross the harsh road to find that. Happiness is within us. But, the attachment to the external object makes us dependent on the external factors like persons, money, property, food and so on. We always try to extract happiness from those by forgetting our inner happiness.
Inner happiness is true, independent, and constant. You cannot find it outside. It stays with us, from our childhood to old age. A child itself is full of happiness. So, the external happiness or unhappiness cannot bother a child. When a child turns to young, he/she starts to get attached to the external objects, finds his/her happiness in those. In this way, we forget about our inner happiness and loss ourselves in the worldly attachment.
You can experience true happiness only when you accept your pain. Pain comes as an obstacle to achieving external happiness. It turns one from the exterior to interior. It makes a path which goes to the inner self. True happiness is hidden in our inner self. If you move on from your pain, you just escape from happiness. Pain comes as blessings. But, we always see it as a curse. So, we always try to escape from grief and find happiness outside. This happiness depends on various external factors. This has no true base. When those factors are changed, it turns into sadness.
This external happiness is just like a dream, which we see during our sleep. When we wake up our dream breaks. A wise person says it “illusions”. According to Hinduism (Vedanta), it is “Avidya” or “Ignorance”. To gain the “Vidya” or “Wisdom” you have to enter into yourself. Your wisdom only can help you to find out the true happiness. Once you achieve it, nothing can disturb your happiness. You will stay as joyful as long as you live in this world.
Happiness comes from pain:
The equation of true happiness is simple, though the solving part is not easy. First, we enjoy the external happiness as much as you can, according to your desire. If an obstacle comes, try hard to overcome it. If you cannot, accept it, rather than escape from it. Obstacles, like grief or pain, are the light to see your inner Self. Grief or pain first break our pride that is also called “I”- ness. ‘I” is the ego, which acts as a shield over our “Self”. Grief breaks ego and enlightens “Self” by the process of introspection.
Sincere introspection makes you wise. This wisdom will guide you to discover the boundless happiness. That’s mean, again, you have to suffer in the pain of the birth canal. Then you could see the light of the world. That is happiness. This is your rebirth because from now, you will enjoy the worldly happiness in a new way. Now, you don’t have to depend on other external materials for your happiness. You are full of happiness. You are complete and independent too. This happiness is so strong that, no worries, no pain, no criticism cannot make a dent to your unbound happiness.
The Sunshine comes in every morning. But, we realize the value of sunshine after a dark and stormy night. Similarly, one can only experience unlimited happiness after suffering in pain deeply.
We always fear about the crisis and want to escape from it. But, a period of crisis can be the turning point of life if we embrace it and understand it, properly. We tolerate the crisis until it is tolerable. But, when it becomes intolerable, either we choose to terminate this life or to fight back. People, who choose the second option, can realize the significance of crisis in life. It is a dangerous as well as an important component of life.
When the crisis reaches the ultimate point where the doubt of our own identity arises, crisis starts to establish the proper way of spirit. We always look outside and believe everything exists in outside. This belief resists us to look inside our heart. This belief distracts us from our true self. This belief produces a mistaken identity that is called Ego. And we begin to trust our outer identity that is our social positions and professions.
But, these are not our real identity. Suppose, if a doctor loses his memory by some accident, tell me, what will be his identity in the society after that incident? Suppose, a writer loses his eyesight and cannot read or write again, what will be his identity, then? Suppose, if a husband leaves his wife and denies the relationship, what will be the identity of that wife? Does that mean they bear no identity? Thus, these identities are very fragile and not permanent. Those are built on our certain occupations and social status, which are non-permanent and assured.
We believe that positions and professions as our identity and slowly, it becomes our ego. When the ultimate level of crisis arises, it hits directly to that ego. Then, we confront the identity crisis. This is the most horrific crisis. It’s because everything in our life is grounded on our ego that we consider as our genuine individuality. When it dissolves, everything, related to it, has been ruined, completely. Sometimes this identity crisis leads one to commit suicide. But, those, who don’t do that, can embrace it and utilize it to discover his real identity.
The ego exists as a shield of our true Self. When the ego fades away, the light of true Self enlightens the darkness of ignorance. This light reveals the true identity of someone. This identity is eternal and indestructible by anything. Thus, the crisis of identity can guide us to discover our real identity if we accept it try to understand it.
The crisis of identity is immensely important in life to discover our real identity. We just need to accept it and use that period of crisis as the time for introspection. The proper introspection can guide one to find the treasure of the true essence of life. Then the identity crisis becomes the turning point of life.
Don’t worry if the road is worse for the journey. Fear of death at every step, Insecurities of losing everything that you have, deep wound, tremendous pain, the grief of losing, harsh road, these all make the journey of life, adventurous. This is the adventure of knowing the unknown and exploring the mystery of life path. As much as you explore the mystery, as much you know the unknown, you will enjoy the pulse of life. Happiness is enjoying the life as it is. Happiness is flowing with the stream of life. It is not related to your pain or loss. It’s like an oxygen that makes you alive when you feel suffocated in the harsh road of your journey. It is innate. You just have to find it.
Life without any adeventure:
A journey is boring if there is no adventure. And we always prefer to choose that type journey because we fear to have an adventure. But, life is like a river. If we cannot flow with its stream and try to flow in the upstream of this river, we’ll be tired and we’ll feel exhausted in the middle of the journey. Thus, we cannot avoid the adventure. Luxurious bungalow, million dollar property, the lovable family cannot give us that security which one cannot have until he starts to enjoy the insecurities. That means, living with the insecurities and taking the risk over it with our courage. As much as you try to avoid the insecurities, your life will be stuck in one place. The free flowing river turns into a stagnant pond.
A journey towards the unknown:
Our body and mind are known to us. And our whole living is based on the comfort or pleasure of these two. For that reason, we feel so insecure and afraid of unknown. But, if we gain a little bit of courage to know the unknown and try to go deep within our wound, within our fear, within our insecurities, we can discover the unknown within the known. We can discover our true Self, which totally unaffected by the difficulties of the road of our journey and totally free from any prison of this world. This is the happiness and this is connecting us to the universe. Thus, any worldly affair cannot be able to stop our journey from known to unknown. As much as we know the unknown, the longing for knowing will be increasing more and more. So, the journey will be continued until the end of the life.
Fire purifies the gold by burning its impurities from the ore. Gold is gold. Impurities hampered its quality, only. Thus, it needs to pass through the fire to become pure. Just like the gold, our purity is eternal. But, our ego that is related to our social image, status, pride, creates impurity within us. Thus, we need to burn those impurities to explore the pure gold within us. And Pain comes like the fire to make us pure by burning our mental impurities. Then we can realize our true entity. So, pain ignites us to make us pure, not to turn us into ash by its flame. This process of burning from the pain will be continued, as long as the ego persists within us, as long as we cannot discover the happiness within our true self. When we discover this real happiness, we will never suffer from the pain though the pain is inevitable. Hence, the pain is the purifying fire.
We have a tendency to escape from the pain. But, one who escapes from the pain, misses the happiness. Happiness and wisdom, both come from the pain. Pain is no longer pain because it transforms into joy when we use its fire to sanctify us. Just like the mother, who feels so much joy of bringing forth her child after suffering in huge pain of this process.
A candle can illuminate the darkness, only when it is ignited. Just like the candle, the wisdom of an ignited mind can light up the darkness of ignorance. The incense sticks cannot spread its fragrance until it gets burnt. We cannot pass around our love and compassion towards other until we get burnt like the incense sticks.
It’s easy to blame either others or our fate for our own agony. But, it’s not easy to embrace the pain to discover our true self. One, who can does that can see the transformation of gold ore to the pure gold. So, accept the pain and let it fulfils its purpose. This purifying fire will refine you into the pure gold by burning your entire impurities.
Water is the sign of liveliness. We are living when all our emotions are in an active state. But, we always try to be formal and freeze our emotions with the coldness of our ego or our image or pride. Just for an example of the saying boys cannot cry. Many boys are there in these societies, who try to suppress their tears because of that precept. Whereas we all know that tears are the sign of our aliveness, since our birth. Crying means our emotions are still alive.
Do you ever allow yourself to laugh out loud when you truly feel joy in your heart? We used to write “LOL” in virtual talking. But, do we really allow that to ourselves? Before laughing, we start an alert from our subconscious mind, “hey, what the hell you are doing, people may think bad about you.” Then, we become conscious of holding our emotions. That doesn’t imply that we should convey our emotions at anywhere. But, we should find a space for ourselves where we can flow the water of our emotions and become free like the water of the river. Otherwise, we will be frozen by the coldness of our emotions.
If you think you are frozen, melt yourself with the warmth of love. When love comes into our life, all our emotions start to flow in their own way. We call when we cause hurt, we laugh in a touch of joy, we burst out of anger, we feel empathy for other’s pain, and so many feelings come as the undulations in the ocean of love. In this way, love brings aliveness in our animation. Fall in love with yourself by accepting all your imperfections. The love for yourself makes you alive just like the water. All your imperfection will flow with the stream of that water.
This post is written in response to the WP Daily Prompt-Water
The darkness can be brighter than the daylight when the moonlight of the full moon pours its nectar in your heart. Yesterday was the full moon day. The glowing of the moon is so serene that musing automatically comes from experiencing the peach of the moonlight. So, I tried to capture the moon at my lens to share those musings.
I don’t want to be the sun. I want to be your moon to pour my light in your darkest phase of life.
When I see the moon I feel I’m very close to you as we are under the same moonlight. Perhaps this is the cause why I love darkness.
Please put out the lamp and open the window of your room. The nectar of moonlight will shine on your darkest chamber.
The lamp in the room is like the ego or the “I”-ness or the image which we create outside to veil our originality or true Self. When the ego is dissolved, the light of wisdom comes within us to dissipate the darkness of ignorance.
Shine so brightly that no one can make a shadow on you, even in your darkest hours of life.
Perfection is an illusory thing. No one knows its exact limit. As we don’t know its limit, we are rising. When one believes that he or she is perfect, his or her development is arrested. It’s because imperfection is going towards the perfection. When one recognizes his or her imperfections and accepts those, (s)he becomes perfectly imperfect. Then, (s)he starts to grow.
We always think we are perfect. This concept makes our ego strong and stops our growth. Embracing the imperfection breaks the wall of ego and opens the door of wisdom. Wisdom makes us matured.
The thing, which is perfect, has no growth, while the imperfect one is growing.
I love myself as I am a perfectly imperfect and I’m growing.